Lives lost. That is what this season adds to up for many people including me. First we are counting the actual lives of those we lost in the past. I know I got lost this year is remembering what and who I have lost over the years. Then I got lost in the lives I personally have lost, not physically but mentally spiritually and emotionally. I see all the things I could have been through the years and who they would have made me to be now. I despair because I see who I actually am now contrasted to who those persons were. I also realize who I could have been for my family and how desperately they needed me to be those people instead of who I am. Yet I am confused because they love me for who I am, and not for who I could have been. Whether real or imagined I see in their eyes who they would like me to be and I know I can not measure up. I know that I got caught up this season in all that I have lost and I can not see a way to get it back. I don’t even know how to make peace with it going forward with who I am.