Here comes the Son
By the numbers
Which way did it go?
Fits and Starts
Well I have been just quite regular at posting here haven’t I. Things happen in life and I apparently just stop. I want to make these grandiose posts and wind up not putting even two words together. Our oldest son left for college in another state in January. That was hard and still is. I have so many thoughts going through my mind, but when it is time to immortalize them in some media other than grey matter the words just do not want come. I will attempt to post more regularly even it it is just a small thought, it is just difficult to grab them and hold them long enough to commit them to semi permanency.
Lives lost. That is what this season adds to up for many people including me. First we are counting the actual lives of those we lost in the past. I know I got lost this year is remembering what and who I have lost over the years. Then I got lost in the lives I personally have lost, not physically but mentally spiritually and emotionally. I see all the things I could have been through the years and who they would have made me to be now. I despair because I see who I actually am now contrasted to who those persons were. I also realize who I could have been for my family and how desperately they needed me to be those people instead of who I am. Yet I am confused because they love me for who I am, and not for who I could have been. Whether real or imagined I see in their eyes who they would like me to be and I know I can not measure up. I know that I got caught up this season in all that I have lost and I can not see a way to get it back. I don’t even know how to make peace with it going forward with who I am.
Words fail. Self expression is a wonderful thing when it works. When you get locked up in your own head and mind there are so many things you want to say and do, and none of them come out right. I have been navigating a minefield for a while now. I thought it was only the last few years that I was having difficulty. As I now analyze my life, it is slowly being revealed to me the depth of my illusion.
Hello everyone, I am Rolf and I am scared witless. I am currently experiencing the joys of my own mind. My last therapist agrees with me that I am suffering from anxiety and that I am the one creating it. Granted, there are many things in the world to be anxious about. However, I am rather good about magnifying them and creating an environment in my world that makes some of them debilitating. I am currently between therapists. I would love to say that I broke the last one but she had opportunities open to her that she would have been Crazy not to accept. It has been a few months since my last session and while I want to get a new one and get fixed, I sure do not want to have to go through everything again. It is certainly stressful to have to tell a stranger all about my personal boogeymen but to have to do it over and over and not know what that person is thinking is just about the most difficult thing in the world.
To bear your soul to others is hard, just look at how many marriages are imploding from lack of sharing.
So therefore, why am I posting my soul in public? Why indeed. I am compelled (wonder if that is another little quirk) to do this because I think that not enough people understand what is going on with people like me. Also, it may be cathartic to bare my feelings and maybe I will learn something about myself. So buckle up, sit back and hold on it may be a bumpy ride.