Lives lost

Lives lost. That is what this season adds to up for many people including me. First we are counting the actual lives of those we lost in the past. I know I got lost this year is remembering what and who I have lost over the years. Then I got lost in the lives I personally have lost, not physically but mentally spiritually and emotionally. I see all the things I could have been through the years and who they would have made me to be now. I despair because I see who I actually am now contrasted to who those persons were. I also realize who I could have been for my family and how desperately they needed me to be those people instead of who I am.  Yet I am confused because they love me for who I am, and not for who I could have been.  Whether real or imagined I see in their eyes who they would like me to be and I know I can not measure up. I know that I got caught up this season in all that I have lost and I can not see a way to get it back. I don’t even know how to make peace with it going forward with who I am.