Leaving the Heartbreak Hotel online & offline.

When searching for information on this topic I came across this article by Gershon (2011) that discussed how interviewees in her research (‘un-friend my heart: facebook, promiscuity, and heartbreak’) explained that Facebook transformed them into anxious, jealous and monitoring people, which they didn’t want to be. So it was not recommended that if you are in a romantic relationship to have your partner as a friend on Facebook. 

I immediately wondered how many of us actually take this measure of “un-friending” each other when we start noticing these behaviors of ourselves. Wouldn’t we just ignore these tendencies and remain friends based on several reasoning’s that we make up in our minds as to why it is important to remain friends online? 

Yet when we break up, one of the first things that happen is, we develop an obsessive lurking behavior to find out what the other is up to. Also known as cyberstalking.

Maybe it’s a good idea to describe the phases one goes through after a break-up. Then to also analyze the steps that are suggested in these “how-to’” videos or articles on getting over a heartbreak. If a heartbreak causes the same emotions and feelings of mourning a loss than the following should describe some symptoms.

Normal grief includes feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, fatigue, helplessness, and shock.

Worden (2009) describes it, grief is reflected in the feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and physical body of the bereaved. Normal grief includes feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, fatigue, helplessness, and shock.

It can also include feelings of emancipation and relief. The thoughts of the bereaved may include disbelief, confusion, preoccupation, a sense of the presence of the deceased, and even hallucinations. 

The behaviors of the bereaved include interruption of normal sleep and appetite, withdrawal, and crying. Physical manifestations of grief might include tightness in the chest or stomach, muscular weakness, breathlessness, and lethargy. Find these recognizable during a heartbreak?

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Four tasks and six processes.

Worden further (2008, pp. 39–53) offers four tasks of mourning:

TASK I: To accept the reality of the loss. TASK II: To process the pain of grief. TASK III: To adjust to a world without the deceased (includes external, internal, and spiritual adjustments). TASK IV: To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life.

Rando (1993) outlines six processes of mourning and ties them to three phases of grief. During the avoidance phase, the bereaved must (1) recognize the loss; during the confrontation phase, the bereaved must (2) react to the separation, (3) recollect and re-experience the deceased/relationship, (4) relinquish the old attachments to the deceased and the old assumptive world, (5) last, during the accommodation phase, the bereaved must readjust to move adaptively into the new world without forgetting the old, and (6) must reinvest (Rando, 1993, p. 45)

Don't call, text, email or send messages on social media

Now for this case, I’m only focussing on the social media steps that 'how-to' videos and articles suggest one should do in order to deal with a heartbreak. It seems that these steps are to stimulate you to stay strong, focus on healing and the future. 

They include for you to cut ties with your ex and stay away from that phone. Don’t call, text, email or send messages on social media. Don’t look your ex up on Facebook or Instagram. In other words, cyberstalking is not allowed. 

Also, a new one for me was: ‘don’t “vaguebook” - which means posting vague statuses on social media’ for attention. Delete all photos on social media accounts and if needed block or delete them.

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Move on from a heartbreak online too.

Now for someone going through a heartbreak in this day and age, these steps may seem harsh, cruel, ridiculous and even impossible. But if a heartbreak causes the same process as grieving I could understand why in a social media world, people need help on what to do and how to deal with a heartbreak both online and offline. 

Especially because these tips are at your fingertips. You can deal with your situation in private which is easier than going to therapy. Also, I believe these articles help provide a feeling of not being the only one dealing with a heartbreak. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a reason to make them in the first place. I mean we Google everything else.

So to those going through this, hang in there but don’t stay too long in the heartbreak hotel!

 

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References

Gershon, I. (2018). Un-Friend My Heart: Facebook, Promiscuity, and Heartbreak in a Neoliberal Age.

Worden, J. (2009). Grief counselling and grief therapy. London: Routledge.

Rando, T. (1995). Treatment of complicated mourning. Champaign, Ill.: Research Press.

Hefren, J. and Thyer, B. (2012). The Effectiveness of Guided Mourning for Adults with Complicated Mourning. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 22(8), pp.988-1002.

wikiHow. (2018). How to Be Strong After a Breakup. [online] [Accessed 23 Mar. 2018].

YouTube. (2018). The #1 Cure for Your Broken Heart - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy. [online][Accessed 23 Mar. 2018].